Plant Diaries (Day 112) 13 October 2013

This last week saw the release of the 2012/2013 crime statistics for the plant community.  There has a been a recent surge in violent crimes in the pot, as well as a violent surge of recent statistic publishing.  So on the back of 'Where is the most nutritious soil in the pot?'; 'How many plants believe Marjoram is just a fancy name for Oreganum?'; and 'Plant religion: Who believes there is a life after harvesting?', comes the top 3 crimes currently facing plants.

Number three on list is trespassing.  A problem acknowledged by all those who call the pot their home, the crossing of zones has continued unabated.  This is in spite of a number of awareness initiatives started by management, billboards and even a catchy jingle by Mariah "Stay in your demarcated areas baby, moving out of your zone is negative baby" (which went plant-platinum).

An effective solution has not been devised as yet, although forced removals and/or public floggings are thought to been the two most popular suggestions.

Number two on the list, and evermore serious, is theft.  It has been reported that some inhabitants are exceeding their daily allotted nutrient allowance (DANA) and committing these crimes by stealing the nutrients of others.  It has been even more reported that some plants have developed an intricate system of underground nutrient sapping pipes, which are being dubbed 'roots' by the media.  These 'roots' are often very deep under the soil (undetectable from the on-ground patrols), and contain many offshoots from the main root (scientifically, 'the daddy root'), making extraction of the whole system particularly difficult.  These are however at the moment only wild, unconfirmed allegations, and the existence of such technology, has yet to be established.

The most alarming statistic, and the most perpetrated crime in the plantopolis is strangulation.  The violent nature of this crime and the devastating consequences it has had on the population is glaring for all too see.  Management has even gone so far as to concede this to be 'bigger than Bieber' and has taken swift action as a result.  The once glorious parsley empire has been the target of these crimes, with some turning on their own.  Those that could not get high enough to get the sun started withering and instead of dying with grace and jumping off the side of the pot, they decided to take the others with them.  A motive has not been established, but many think that pepper's jealousy had something to do with it.  Pepper and parsley never go together.  Herbs were tangled and mangled and the dying began constricting the others.

This could not be left to continue and in a show of force, management passed Ordinance 34 -  permitting the excavation of all troublesome herb-folk.  Enforcement began at 09:00 on a day that would be forever known as the 'big prune'.  While unpopular, this had to be done to ensure the plant's survival.  Sure there were protests and scuffels, handbags were thrown and videos were taken and posted on the internet.  Overall however, the operation was a success.  43% of the initial parsley empire was removed and its mark is glaring (people are talking about a monument).  But now those that survived the pruning have space to grow and hopefully soon I'll be able to harvest some damn herbs.

At the moment, the situation has calmed down.  The feeling on the ground is somewhat nervous though, but as must be done, one must adapt, move on and flourish.

 

Plant Diaries (Day 95) 26 September 2013

When you commence the journey of growing plants, the only thing that they don't prepare you for is the waiting - just like prison.  95 days in and nothing, well something, but not much.  I mean there is a lot, but nothing really.  One would think that in the same time that it takes a new born baby to learn to support its melon, one could grow a couple stalks of marjoram. 

Alas, the time for harvest is not yet upon the fair inhabitants of the pot.  The packet (of all knowledge) which the parsley seeds came from said that one could expect to be having a parsley party 70-80 days from planting.  Obviously I am paraphrasing, it actually said "In 70-80 days you'll have enough parsley to stuff a camel". 

Sadly my parsley is not near picking.  The truth is that I don't actually know when the parsley is ready for picking.  While those who know me will already be aware that I do not advocate dirty empty western labels, so who am I to deem when the herb is fully mature, ready to leave the only place its known as home, or that it's ready to be picked and made into a lovely soup or used as a delicately placed and tasteful garnish.  However, I accept that in certain extreme circumstances, like the one I presently find myself in, dirty-hippie antics are counter-productive. 

They say that the real gardener will just know when the time is right, apparently its a tingling feeling you get running up your legs, that same primal feeling you get when you hunting a mammoth (woolly of course).  You feel it in your being.  You look at the plant.  The plant looks back.  And both you know that tonight there is going to be some picking. 

Some stalks give the impression that they are ready for a pick, but you don't want to go to soon.  3 out of every 7 gardeners suffer from premature picking and no matter what excuse you use (stress/you weren't concentrating/the dog was watching), once you have picked there's really no coming back.  So for now I wait, patiently, for a sign, any sign, even a stop sign.

Marjoram on the other hand still has some time to go.  His packet says between 120-150 days .  Truthfully, he is looking good, displaying all the signs of a healthy herb.  Multi-leave protrusion per stalk; starting to emanate a herby kind of smell; and looks a casual faded green. 

Peppers and spinach however are not doing the best and if they were children, would be classified as 'those who ride the small bus', or Dustin Hoffman in Rainman.  After 95 days, spinach should be sprouting some serious foliage and peppers should, well, be doing something different.  Instead, very little/no progression has been made on either front. 

There are varied and wide-ranging theories among experts why this could be the case.  Some believe the pot is just not big enough, to whom I say "Come over here and I shall you a pot that's big enough".  While others hypothesize that the sun/shade ratio is inversely skewed.  To them I say nothing, cause they are racists.  Others still reckon that spinach is a winter blooming plant and peppers are only grown in the lowveld (I made this last one up.  Completely untrue.  I have no idea why its not growing).  And to these people I simply send SMSs to their parents, telling them that their behaviour has become erratic and that as a friend, I suspect drug use - that'll show those people to stick their noses I other people's business, throwing around wafty naysays.

The truth is I don't know why these guys aren't performing to their potential.  It could be me, I could be useless, a good-for-nothing, maybe its the weather, perhaps spinach hates parsley and has gone on a hunger strike.  All in all I think a trip to the nursery is due for some expert advice.

Plant Diaries (Day 53) 15 August 2013

Day 50 has come and gone.  I was planning a big celebration for the thriving plant-community's big half a century (of days), but unfortunately honours studying has engulfed every facets of life.  I could live with not leaving the house, or failing to keep up with minimum hygiene requirements or even the complete fun-embargo that has been my last two months, but missing those guys' 50th anniversary is unacceptable.

At least when a father misses his daughter's ballet recital he can blame his job, the bottle, or his mistress and all is forgotten (or at least repressed) when little Suzy comes home to find a new furry teddy bear waiting on her bed.  But what are plants going to do with a teddy bear? At just 50 days old (and because they are plants), how am I supposed to explain to them that I'm studying to give them a life I never had, that I am working so they don't have to.  I am only doing it so unlike me, they can spend all day in a pot, maybe even a bigger pot, with a tiny wooden windmill.  If it were up to me, I would be in the pot with them, rather than learning how to determine the probability distribution of a stock that follows a normal probability distribution.

But thankfully, unlike little Suzy, the plants do not hold grudges, nor do they demand fancy doll houses or unicorns.  Their demands are ever-constant and simple, water and sun and a little Barry White on the weekends.  They don't bitch or scream or wee in the bed, but instead grow into majestic beautiful plants, filling an barren pot with a lush garden.  Oh and grow they have.

In keeping with its over-achieving nature, Parsley is far ahead in the development.  Parsley is like that 10-year old who is the first to get a moustache (damn he was so cool, all the girls wanted to be with him). 


Little 'Parsley-looking' leaves are sprouting from has come to be known as the Parsley thicket.  Perhaps I was imagining that the plants would suddenly turn into Parsley, but now I can see how this is going down and am happy I am part of the journey.

While Parsley continues is domination of the land of the pot plant, Marjoram seems to have reinforced its claim as a strong and legitimate opposition (essential for any functioning democracy).  While Parsley may not like it, Marjoram has Zille'd the minority vote and present a realistic alternative to Parsley's authoritarian and repressive policies.

It seems that the reserve seedlings have grown at a somewhat rapid rate and formed what has now become Lindiwe Mazibuko forest.

 

Spinach has decided not to get directly involved in all the hush push, but maintained a Switzerland-like policy of neutrality and continues to progress as an independent.  What is astonishing is that out of two seeds that I planted, there are four plants.  Obviously Spinach isn't a one-seed one-plant kinda guy.

You may be wondering why there has been no mention of peppers.  Frankly, it has not done much and has been quite sucky.  As mediocrity is not celebrated in pot plant culture, it gets neither a significant mention, nor a picture.  But don't worry it has had a stern talking to and promised to pull its socks up (only metaphorical socks, it does not have actual socks, remember it is just a plant).

I end of with a thought.  Why do they make toasters with 6 different levels of disappointment? Either the bread comes out only slightly warmer or black.  Slighter warmer bread or burn toast serves no purpose.  The toaster has a single function, to make bread into toast.  Surely everyone would be happy with one option - toast? 

Plant Diaries (Day 33) 25 July 2013

Big things have since happened, sectors have been breached, people have switched sides, there are spies everywhere, who can you trust.  As more land is claimed and space becomes a commodity, the laws that govern the pot-society have broken down, and chaos reigns supreme.  CNN is calling it the Arab Spring in winter and the Arabs are calling it the CNN in the summertime. 








Parsley has become the new superpower, commanding the greatest territory and yielding the most influence.  It's really 'what parsley says goes' at the moment.  Parsley giveth the sun and so too doth Parsley taketh away.  With its towering stalks, higher than all those around it, it is he alone who manipulates which of the other members will receive sun and who will lie in shade.  Sun to the herbs and vegetables of the pot is like Mariah Carey to the pop world - vital.  So he who controls the sun controls Mariah Carey.

As always the accompaniment to ever-increasing power, is that ugly little cousin with the hairy lip - paranoia.  Parsley has become wary of the others and knows that it must have ears close to the ground and has thus 'planted' (lol) itself in strategic places among the other sectors, Parsley can now be found mingling among the marjoram, gossiping with the spinach and talking turkey with the peppers.  They have infiltrated every part of society and are now threatening to speard their ideals and beliefs on all those they come into contact with.  Is it too late to stop?  If the Parsley is left to its own devices,  soon all the inhabitants will be some half-cast breed. Pinach, Parjoram, and Peppersley.

The Parsley forest too holds much mystery and rumours are spreading that dissident herbs are being hidden in its thicket.

I must admittedly take some of the blame.  What Sipho (the wise) forgot to mention, and what I have now learnt, only through the error of my ways, is a fundamental principle of planting.  Where one lays ones seeds, so will be the place where those seed shall grow.  This has far-reaching implications for the strict demarcated society which plants require to meet their full potential.  I.e. if, during at the end of planting, you nonchalantly sprinkle the remaining seeds from your hand (all over the pot), it will in all likelihood mean that you have that plant growing all over the pot.  While, not proven, this is my theory, and lies subject to the obvious alternative, where Parsley has advanced to such a stage that they have colluded, formed groups, read/seen historical films about Vietnam, dug tunnels under the soil and sprung up in carefully picked places, ready to wreck havoc on the peaceful citizens.

For now however, there is an albeit uneasy truce which has settled.  The tension is thick in the air, but as we must all do in such uncertain times, everyone continues living their lives, growing, being green and finding nutrients from the soil.

Marjoram did not continue with the early pace-setting and has since mellowed in its growth, both in length and girth.  Looking rather patchy in places, I planted all of the remaining seeds, which too have now started to grow.  Hopefully marjoram will have a far healthier and thicker bush in future entries.

Spinach remains steady and is now up to 4 stalks (which is weird, as I only planted two seeds).  The leaves are growing nicely and its is refreshing to see a different, ruby-red hue around all the greenery. 

Piquante pepper has always been the black sheep of the family and continues to question the conservative ideals of the society in which it finds itself.  After initially refusing to grow at all, it has now taken up cross-dressing, trying to impersonate Parsley.  While I know at least two of the plants are peppers, I cannot tell which one they are.  Hopefully it is just a phase that it will 'grow' (second lol) out of.

While the balance appears in tact for now, there is an uncertain feeling among those surveyed.  6/10 herbs feel unsafe in their own sector and 8/13 feel that  black is the new beige.  What does it all mean?  What are they trying to say?  Really, the new beige?

Plant Diaries (Day 16) 08 July 2013

Who said that peer pressure was a bad thing?  Well they have obviously never seen the awesome results you get when those around you are all doing the cool thing and you want to be part of the group. You may sense the excitement in my voice (well if not now, how about with this flipping hippo)...


But the reason I have been skipping and jumping, bouncing and prouncing, hopping and scotching, is that there has been some serious growth in the balcony garden.  No more is it just a pot with soil, but now a pot with soil, and plants.

First the marjoram smashed through the soil, 11 days in,to join spinach out in the big wide world and a day later, parsley saw that all the cool kids were doing it and joined the festivities.  Everyone was waiting for the peppers to join the party, but there is always one, always one who has to be different.  One buffalo among all the pigeons.

So over the next couple days, I made sure that the team had lots of water and adequate sun time, and obviously they told their friends about what a great time they were having, because more and more green shoots started popping up.  It was so amazing.  Soon it was like, 'oh my god, there are so many green shoots popping up. This is so amazing'.

The anxiety whether I would be a complete failure at my first attempt at gardening has dissipated and been replaced by my excitement for harvesting these babies and putting them on some food.  Parsley is good for sauces, marjoram for Italian food like pizza and pasta, and spinach... is good for scurvy (#eddieizzardreference).  But harvesting is still a couple of months away and still a lot of growing ahead.  I am going to have to continuously have to check up and care for these plants, only as a constant gardener will I be able to reap what I sow (#rachelweiszreference).

So for now, all is well in the world of the pot, with everyone playing nicely together.  Just going to have to keep an eye out for marjoram sneaking into parsley's sector.  As previously discussed, this may be acceptable to some cultures in different, less plant-like societies, but here it is just not on.

I even heard some of the parsley say the other day, when they saw how close the marjoram was getting, that 'hear goes the neighbourhood, next thing you know they'll be wanting to vote' (parsley is however known to be notoriously racist).  But still, you have to be cautious.  You know how it is with herbs, you give an inch and all of a sudden they want representatives at the AGM.  They can't have representatives at the AGM, they're plants.

It might seem harsh now, but its better for the future.  Different plants need to be cared for in different ways, some more water, some less.  Some need lots of sun, while others just the tip.  It's like when your parents put your hand on the stove to prepare you for life's harsh lessons.  They'll thank me when they big.

Plant diaries (Day 10) 2 July 2013

Success! What have you got to say now all you doubters? Whose the two headed donkey now world?

 

They say it takes one moment to define who you are, but they are wrong. It takes 10 days, some soil, and a pot. I woke up this morning, as I do most days, and went to check on how the boys were doing.

 

Not expecting anything out of the ordinary, as I have quickly learnt that, exactly like training to be a ballerina, gardening requires time and patience. But someone obviously left my name off the list of people who are going to have an uneventful day, because on giving the team their daily liquid rations, PAM! A baby plant in my face!

 

 

 

Happy happy days. I have grown something and officially a gardener.

 

Truthfully ruby red spinach being the first was not unexpected and really always the favorite.  The herbs have longer germination periods, with marjoram taking 2 weeks and parsley up to 4, while the peppers can be up to 3. But still, spinach had to perform and as Robert Mawara always says, "You can have a good team on paper, but when last did you see a piece of paper score a left-footed volley from outside the box?"

 

Next step, once the seeds have sprouted is to treat them like a princess on prom night. This is a serious time as the plants have left the safety and comfort of the seed and are now subject to the elements. I foresee lots of late nights staying up watching out for predators and plant rapists.

 

Come on sectors 1, 3 and 4. You've seen it can be done, now make like a fat girl in a candy store and grow.

Plant diaries (Day 2) 24 June 2013

Woke up this morning for work and before I got dressed I rushed outside, expecting to see a forest, but to my surprise and abject disappointment, the lack of any development whatsoever was glaring.  Feeling a little crushed and dead inside, I consoled myself by thinking that my expectations may have been a bit optimistic, but not unreasonable, considering the love and attention I had put into the previous day’s toil (in the soil).

I picked myself up from the short brush with clinical depression through reminding myself of the rabbit and tortoise story – slow and steady, like a hat, and feeling that the soil was still adequately moist (and soily), went to work.  A big task for the day was out of my hands, the guys’ first encounter with the sun.  Now our balcony gets a decent amount of sun, but like an elephant on a conveyer belt, it moves.  Luckily dale (the roommate) was at home, and he was entrusted with marking the sun’s path across the balcony and establishing the optimal SUS - sun exposure spot, in which the pot will ultimately come to settle. 

Like a nervous mother, looking at her kid’s first trip to shark cage diving, I couldn’t help but worry about my seed’s wellbeing.  I may have left work a little early ‘to beat the traffic’, and was relieved to see that the pot had moved from whence it lay earlier in the morning.  This means Dale had done his job and the seeds had had a serious sun party.  We then sat down and he explained how the sun had behaved and we debated the perfect pot position.  After a quick check-in with the newly-planted homies, it was time for the parsley to move into its new home.  The seeds were drained and transplanted into sector 4 of the pot in a very delicate procedure, which can only be described as ‘putting the seeds from a bowl into the soil’.

Still no growth from anyone’s sector, but maybe everyone was waiting for Parsley to move in.  What’s a party without the parsley?  They (you know ‘they’, they very smart), say that germination is the most important part of the growing process, as despite the lack of progress on the outside, under the surface there is a whole magical mix of nature’s elements brewing – like a poop.

Plant diaries (Day 1) 23 June 2013

It was Archimedes who is thought to have said to someone that “The only time a man truly knows his worth is once he dabbled in the fields of horticulture”.  So in line with my quest to true enlightenment I decided to let out my inner gardener and turn my balcony into a vegetable garden.  These entries will document my journey to a life of fresh herbs and battle against the elements; dry soil, and bulimia.

So the first step was to go to a nursery – Keith Kirsten’s on Jan Smuts.  The problem however, having never actually grown anything in my life, is that I had no idea where to start.  But along came Sipho, a titan of growing live things; the god of pot plants; the master of marjoram.  And like a light guiding a sailor to the Philippines, Sipho took me through the basics of planting things in a pot, i.e. getting a pot and getting stuff to put in said pot.  I tried to impress my guru by telling him all the things I intended planting when I go home, like pumpkins, spinach and peppers.  But while Sipho said that the pepper and spinach would grow well, he laughed at me when I mentioned pumpkin –rolling his eyes and said that pumpkins only get planted early spring.  I was so embarrassed and tried to pass it off as an ice-breaking joke “Obviously I wasn’t going to grow pumpkin in the winter S-money, I was just testing you and you passed” (amateur Rhyno).

I wanted to grow a few things, but didn’t really want to buy a lot of pots, thankfully Sipho came to the rescue, apparently one can grow a number of things in a single pot.  So got some marjoram, parsley, Piquante peppers and red ruby spinach to all live together in the same pot-community.

Just as I thought that I was all ready to start growing some serious veggies, Sipho dropped a bomb.  I needed a layer of gravel for my pot, but the nursery only sells 20kg bags.  Who is going to use that much gravel?  I have got through life to date, never needing gravel, and couldn’t foresee any large gravel-based demands coming up in the future.  So I promised Sipho that I would make a plan, but instantly felt ashamed, as I knew I was lying to my sensei, my Mr Miagi, as I had no idea of where I was going to find gravel.  I wasn’t even 100% sure of what gravel is?  Is it just little rocks? Aren’t ‘gravel’ and ‘road’ synonyms?  Must I now go dig up road?  Do I need a spade?  Sipho suggested that I get a brick and just smash it.  How do you smash a brick?  Don’t you normally use bricks to smash other things?  Surely bricks have been established to be quite solid and difficult to smash, seeing as they used to smash things.  You wouldn’t exactly try smash something with a carrot cake.  I was beginning to see that growing would take a lot more skill, creativity and test my being to its centre before I get to see the literal fruits of my labour.

My gravel dilemma was sorted through a sudden brain wave, when I was at my parent’s house.  My pops had an old fish tank, which everyone knows uses gravel as a base.  Seeing as there were no more fish (now I can come to terms with fishy the goldfish’s passing, as he died for the sake of a greater dream), I was sorted.  Now with all the ingredients at hand my excitement started to grow evermore. 

As I got home, like a kid in a candy, I quickly assembled my pot + drip tray (not very labour intensive – no engineering degree required); coated the pot with a thin layer of gravel; and filled the rest with a bag of fresh soil. 

Put the seeds in the pot, planted a finger-width from the surface (another gem of advice from Sipho), and was careful to put each species in a distinct sector.  You can’t have Piquante peppers (maro)jamming with the spinach – it’s just not done.  Maybe in a more progressive society, with less barriers and social stigma, different herbs will be able to grow together, intermingle and flower in the same sector, but lo, for now they must be settle for being in the same pot, only a dream a few generations ago, where the powers that be insisted on separate pots for different species – oh how savage we were, will we ever be forgiven.

Peppers, spinach and marjoram were sown (ye I sowed my seeds), but the parsley had to wait, as they required a 24-hour lukewarm soak (as is common knowledge).  The last task was watering.  As a novice gardener, this proved to be somewhat stressful.  I had no idea what the right amount of water would be for these seeds.  I felt so responsible for their wellbeing.  Too much and they would drown, too little and they would dehydrate.  Google said the soil needs to be moist, so I went for a conservative 3 cups, evenly spread.  I think I did well, as it had a really good moisty soily feel after.   

So that’s it, step 1 – the planting is done and I cannot wait to wake up tomorrow to see some serious balcony foliage.